im 108ibs. BMI of 16.4. Occording to health websites thats seriously underweight. i know i have a problem. i admit i have anorexia nervosa. But i cant make myself better. im trapped, and im scared.
Everyday "Ana" is embedding herself deeper into my mind. She is the one telling me my plan for the day, 400 calories, two hours excerise. im followed by her all through the day, in college i recount my calories of that day instead of doing my work. i have no control over myself anymore. i smile and suck in my stomach, wear baggy clothes and my hair in a loose pony tail so no attention is drawn to me. on a night, i stare at magazine covers, looking at those perfect skinned, white teethed models, relising i can never look like that.
its so hard, im startign the ABC diet tomorrow. its a 50 day diet where the most calories you can consume is 800, and everyday the calorie intake has to be different so your metabolism quickens.
Bones have started to stick out in places they shouldnt. You can see my spine running right down my back. But im not there yet, i need to lose more. i need to be thinner. But then again, when is it ever going to be enough?
Lily ♥
♥ Stay strong, starve on ♥
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Tuesday 11th October
I never thought how difficult it would be to actually write this. in my first post i would say how i feel etc, but when it comes to it, im so used to hiding how i feel from so many people, its hard to open up.
i have realised over the last week just how much i am out of control. my disease is getting worse. It started where i thought i was in control, i believed for months and months that i would be able to stop whenever i wanted to. But now every single day my mind thinnks of food, i can spend ages in a shop looking at different foods and how many calories each one has in, and then walk out without buying anything. i do as much as i can to avoid eating, letting my mom give me a big lunch to take to college but throwing it away before getting there, and deliberatly leaving all money and credit cards at home so i cant be tempted to buy anything. The main difference ive noticed is the hunger pains, they arent there anymore. Today i ate a 90 calorie ceral bar for breakfast, and then nothing until dinner, which i had to eat a burger for with salad. The burger was only quite small, and i only ate about half of it, so altogether today ive had about 450 calories today. The thing is after i ate that burger i was stuffed, 450 calories is now filling me up, and i dont want to eat any more. Yes im still getting my cravings but the hunger pains are fading. my body is gettign used to the amount i eat now i suppose.
Although the hunger pains are going, everything else is starting to ache. My shoulders and chest have started going bony, and its hard to explain but all the time it feels like the bones are jagging out of your skin, and all my joints ache all the time.
The thing that made me feel the worse? my boyfriend. he has truly made me realise that i cant stop this from happening to me, but that i dont really want to either. You know its bad when your laying in bed with your boyfriend and when you move he moans that one of your hip bones dug into his leg.
Its getting hard now, and painful, and i dont know how to stop it, but like i said, i dont think i want to anyway.
thats all for now
Lily xxxxx
"Stay Strong Starve On"
i have realised over the last week just how much i am out of control. my disease is getting worse. It started where i thought i was in control, i believed for months and months that i would be able to stop whenever i wanted to. But now every single day my mind thinnks of food, i can spend ages in a shop looking at different foods and how many calories each one has in, and then walk out without buying anything. i do as much as i can to avoid eating, letting my mom give me a big lunch to take to college but throwing it away before getting there, and deliberatly leaving all money and credit cards at home so i cant be tempted to buy anything. The main difference ive noticed is the hunger pains, they arent there anymore. Today i ate a 90 calorie ceral bar for breakfast, and then nothing until dinner, which i had to eat a burger for with salad. The burger was only quite small, and i only ate about half of it, so altogether today ive had about 450 calories today. The thing is after i ate that burger i was stuffed, 450 calories is now filling me up, and i dont want to eat any more. Yes im still getting my cravings but the hunger pains are fading. my body is gettign used to the amount i eat now i suppose.
Although the hunger pains are going, everything else is starting to ache. My shoulders and chest have started going bony, and its hard to explain but all the time it feels like the bones are jagging out of your skin, and all my joints ache all the time.
The thing that made me feel the worse? my boyfriend. he has truly made me realise that i cant stop this from happening to me, but that i dont really want to either. You know its bad when your laying in bed with your boyfriend and when you move he moans that one of your hip bones dug into his leg.
Its getting hard now, and painful, and i dont know how to stop it, but like i said, i dont think i want to anyway.
thats all for now
Lily xxxxx
"Stay Strong Starve On"
Monday, 3 October 2011
A basic introduction.
I dont know how many people will ever read this, my aim is to give a deeper understanding to anorexia. Not the facts that everyone knows, but how it actually feels to live with a disorder like this. This is my story, my life, nothing more, simple.
My name is Lily, well actually it isnt, Lily is my nickname but im using it because i feel better than saying my real name. i am 16 yeas old and i have been anorexic for about 9 months. Well you cant really put a date on when you become anorexic, but January 5th 2011 was the day i started my written diary, more or less the start of this rollercoaster ride.
i lived a good life, done amazingly well at school, straight A's in my gcse's, always had a stable family life. but then, its those of us who seem to be the happiest that becomes a target for Ana. She can hide herself deep inside you because noone would think to look for her in you. everyoen presumes your happy. my other nickname is the "smiler", if only they knew.
im not going to dwell on whats happened these last few months. in this post i will give you my stats, weight and target weight etc, and then from tomorrow onwards i'll give daily updates on what ive done each day, thats how you will get an understanding.
So basically my:
height- 5'8
Current weight- 8 st 5 (119ibs)
highest weight- 9st 13 (139ibs)
Goal weight- 6st (84ibs)
today i ate 1089 calories (an incredibly bad day) and i burned 475, giving me a new of 614 calories. i could do so much better. i try stick to 800 cals max. we'll see how it goes tomorrow.
im going to get some rest now, besides lack of sleep stimiulate appetite the next day :/
night guys
Lily xxxxxxx
"Stay strong, starve on"
My name is Lily, well actually it isnt, Lily is my nickname but im using it because i feel better than saying my real name. i am 16 yeas old and i have been anorexic for about 9 months. Well you cant really put a date on when you become anorexic, but January 5th 2011 was the day i started my written diary, more or less the start of this rollercoaster ride.
i lived a good life, done amazingly well at school, straight A's in my gcse's, always had a stable family life. but then, its those of us who seem to be the happiest that becomes a target for Ana. She can hide herself deep inside you because noone would think to look for her in you. everyoen presumes your happy. my other nickname is the "smiler", if only they knew.
im not going to dwell on whats happened these last few months. in this post i will give you my stats, weight and target weight etc, and then from tomorrow onwards i'll give daily updates on what ive done each day, thats how you will get an understanding.
So basically my:
height- 5'8
Current weight- 8 st 5 (119ibs)
highest weight- 9st 13 (139ibs)
Goal weight- 6st (84ibs)
today i ate 1089 calories (an incredibly bad day) and i burned 475, giving me a new of 614 calories. i could do so much better. i try stick to 800 cals max. we'll see how it goes tomorrow.
im going to get some rest now, besides lack of sleep stimiulate appetite the next day :/
night guys
Lily xxxxxxx
"Stay strong, starve on"
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