Tuesday 11th October

I never thought how difficult it would be to actually write this. in my first post i would say how i feel etc, but when it comes to it, im so used to hiding how i feel from so many people, its hard to open up.
i have realised over the last week just how much i am out of control. my disease is getting worse. It started where i thought i was in control, i believed for months and months that i would be able to stop whenever i wanted to. But now every single day my mind thinnks of food, i can spend ages in a shop looking at different foods and how many calories each one has in, and then walk out without buying anything. i do as much as i can to avoid eating, letting my mom give me a big lunch to take to college but throwing it away before getting there, and deliberatly leaving all money and credit cards at home so i cant be tempted to buy anything. The main difference ive noticed is the hunger pains, they arent there anymore. Today i ate a 90 calorie ceral bar for breakfast, and then nothing until dinner, which i had to eat a burger for with salad. The burger was only quite small, and i only ate about half of it, so altogether today ive had about 450 calories today. The thing is after i ate that burger i was stuffed, 450 calories is now filling me up, and i dont want to eat any more. Yes im still getting my cravings but the hunger pains are fading. my body is gettign used to the amount i eat now i suppose.
Although the hunger pains are going, everything else is starting to ache. My shoulders and chest have started going bony, and its hard to explain but all the time it feels like the bones are jagging out of your skin, and all my joints ache all the time.
The thing that made me feel the worse? my boyfriend. he has truly made me realise that i cant stop this from happening to me, but that i dont really want to either. You know its bad when your laying in bed with your boyfriend and when you move he moans that one of your hip bones dug into his leg.
Its getting hard now, and painful, and i dont know how to stop it, but like i said, i dont think i want to anyway.
thats all for now

Lily xxxxx

"Stay Strong Starve On"