Tuesday 25th September

Christ on a fucking bike. I need to get better at this. I need to get better at everything. Especcially my dieting. What a week it has been. I found out dave has possibly cheated on me, i found out i weigh ten fucking stone. ( disgusting i know) and i feel like utter crap. im on breaking point, i need to loes weight, then things might pick up, who knows? He knows now though, first person to ever hear my admit that i have an eating disorder. its pretty damn weird really. Its nice to have the weight lifted off my shoulders but at the same time it is weird having him watching me whenever i eat or drink anything. but he is only trying to help i guess. Thing is i dont want his help. i want to be skinny again. This is the heaviest ive ever been and im finding it so difficult. I put it all on whilst in america, i cant believe how different the food is there, especcially portion size. i feel disgusting and never want to eat anything with the slightest bit of grease on it again. Im back on pretty thin and this is my mission now to get skinny. Starting from here and now, i cant be fat anymore, thats maybe why dave apparrently cheated. He wanted a skinnier model, who knows? i dont know what to think right now

Love Lily xxxxxxx

"stay strong, starve on"

Friday 8th June

i havent actually done too bad today, considering it was my first day really back to it :-) For breakfast i had one cracker, which i worked out to be only 25 cals. For lunch i hate a tiny bit of chinese chow mein (leftovers), i know this wasnt the best choice but i had people watching :-/ anyway, the amount i had totaled up to about 300 cals. For dinner i ate half a can of tomato soup which was 118 calories. As snacks i had about 300 :-/ so i should really cut these down! That totals up to be 743 cals, but with my 20 mins of dancing, i burned about 80 calories, so altogether had a net of 663 calories today. It could be a lot better, but its better than what ive been on these last few months :) its surprising as well, i mean, i guess normally after that amount the majority would feel hungry. but even though ive had a few months of, that 663 calories was enough to make me feel okay about myself for today. in fact, i actually feel motivated and full of energy :D Tomorrow Dave is taking me out to a posh indian restaurant, obviously i will want to eat there so my plan is to fast up until that meal :) i'll let you know how it goes :) nightt everybody :)

Lily Grace xxx

Thursday 7th June

Man im crap at keeping this up :P anyway im back and im going to try and update a lot more now. Truth is, over the last few months with exams and things, i have been allowing myself to gain a tiny bit, just to get me through the exams. But now they are officially over it is time to get back on my diet and lose all this flab ready for my 3 weeks in California! thats right, i cant fucking wait :D i go on the 6th August and aim to be 90ibs by then, but thats quite a tough goal, since im about 115 right now :-/. what will help me though is ive got a new fella :) i split with my ex a few months ago, it needed doing, i really didnt love him anymore. me and dimitri also cut things off, it was never going to work, despite how much i wanted it to. But right now im with someone i never thought i would be :) i met Dave two years ago at work and we were always mates but we've got closer recently and decided to see how things go :-) anyway, like i said, this is good for my anorexia because its a clean start, he doesnt suspect anything, and he is a chef and eats really healthily :) he doesnt make me eat as much as ritesh did but anything he does want me to eat isnt full of fat :) tis all good right now :D anyways i'll update more and try keep you posted :)
Lily Grace xxx

Sunday 12th February 2012

Hey guys,
man what a tough time, since i was sick over christmas ive let myself go a bit :( bingeing, and i need to stop, ive put on an half an inch around my waist! :'( its worse at college, all my free lessons are in the middle of the day and the boredom leads you to food. we've finished now for a week, so im aiming to get back on my calorie plan and into the right frame of mind ready for when i go back. im aiming to lose 13 ibs by april 1st. i'll let you know how that goes, but if i can get my head into gear i know i'll be able to do it easily :) today ive had 700 calories and burned off 200 of them. So 500 really. that isnt too bad. im going to start a diet as of tomorrow for thirty days. i will have three different "days" on alteration; day 1= 500 calories (as much/little excerise as i want) day 2=600 cals and 2hrs+ excerise. day 3= 350calories and at least 1hrs excerise. once again i'll let you know how it goes. Anyway thats enough for tonight, i'll update soon :)

Love Lily    <3

"Stay Strong, Starve on"

thursday 2nd february 2012

well its been a fair few months since ive been on here. things are changing, getting tougher yet better at the same time. i was sick just after christmas and was in hospital. it wasnt anorexia related, it was like meningitis but not menigitis, if you get what i mean, it was the same kinda thing. Anyway since then my mum has become proper obsessed about making me healthy, i dont think she has twigged, but when i was sick she kept commenting on how thin i was looking. Now she is obsessed with what vitamins and supplements im taking. Honestly im on cod liver oil tablets, zinc tablets, vitamin c tablets and this health drink which is disgusting but is like 95% iron :/ thats the other thing, im on the iron because she is blaming the tiredness on "a slight touch of anaemia" and not on the fact that im only consuming a maximum of 800 calories a day and that im exercising constantly.
i hope you dont mind but id quite like to talk about other parts of my personal life as well on here, i know you dont really know much about me, except im anorexic, please feel free to stop reading if you get bored :P
ive been with my boyfriend for a year now, at first we were happy, my anorexia was more or less under control, well it wasnt, but it wasnt as bad as it is now...anyway, i went on holiday to Jamaica back in summer with my family. nd i gotta say, that place truly is probably the best on the planet. for two weeks all my problems went away, as the Jamaican saying goes; "here there is no problems,only situations". the people i met there will have influenced me for life, but especcially one guy. Dimitri <3. he was working in the hotel and cutting a long story short, we became quite close. being around Dimitri was the happiest care free moments i think i have ever had, nothing mattered anymore. So when i left i was gutted, and sure enough when i was back all the problems came back. Since then ive been speaking to Dimitri on skype, and i still gotta say that even online, he can make me smile so much, even just a minute or two talking to him can make my whole day better. i know this is awfl to my boyfriend, (and i hasten to add, i have fallen out of love with but cant break p with him just yet for loadsss of personal and family issues on his side,) but i have fallen in love with Dimitri, well and trly in love. i told him on tuesday night, nd i know he loves me too. why is it the man of my dreams has to be so far away? anyway enough waffle, truth is i dont know what to do about him. i love him with all my heart, and i know he can help me with my anorexia, everything is perfect when he is around, i jst need to leave my current guy first i guess.
if youve got this far down then thanks for reading, im sorry the focus hasnt been quite as much on the anorexia tonight. i'll try update again soon :)

Lily Grace xxx

Tuesday 18th October

im 108ibs. BMI of 16.4. Occording to health websites thats seriously underweight. i know i have a problem. i admit i have anorexia nervosa. But i cant make myself better. im trapped, and im scared.
Everyday "Ana" is embedding herself deeper into my mind. She is the one telling me my plan for the day, 400 calories, two hours excerise. im followed by her all through the day, in college i recount my calories of that day instead of doing my work. i have no control over myself anymore. i smile and suck in my stomach, wear baggy clothes and my hair in a loose pony tail so no attention is drawn to me. on a night, i stare at magazine covers, looking at those perfect skinned, white teethed models, relising i can never look like that.
its so hard, im startign the ABC diet tomorrow. its a 50 day diet where the most calories you can consume is 800, and everyday the calorie intake has to be different so your metabolism quickens.
Bones have started to stick out in places they shouldnt. You can see my spine running right down my back. But im not there yet, i need to lose more. i need to be thinner. But then again, when is it ever going to be enough?

Lily ♥

♥ Stay strong, starve on ♥

Tuesday 11th October

I never thought how difficult it would be to actually write this. in my first post i would say how i feel etc, but when it comes to it, im so used to hiding how i feel from so many people, its hard to open up.
i have realised over the last week just how much i am out of control. my disease is getting worse. It started where i thought i was in control, i believed for months and months that i would be able to stop whenever i wanted to. But now every single day my mind thinnks of food, i can spend ages in a shop looking at different foods and how many calories each one has in, and then walk out without buying anything. i do as much as i can to avoid eating, letting my mom give me a big lunch to take to college but throwing it away before getting there, and deliberatly leaving all money and credit cards at home so i cant be tempted to buy anything. The main difference ive noticed is the hunger pains, they arent there anymore. Today i ate a 90 calorie ceral bar for breakfast, and then nothing until dinner, which i had to eat a burger for with salad. The burger was only quite small, and i only ate about half of it, so altogether today ive had about 450 calories today. The thing is after i ate that burger i was stuffed, 450 calories is now filling me up, and i dont want to eat any more. Yes im still getting my cravings but the hunger pains are fading. my body is gettign used to the amount i eat now i suppose.
Although the hunger pains are going, everything else is starting to ache. My shoulders and chest have started going bony, and its hard to explain but all the time it feels like the bones are jagging out of your skin, and all my joints ache all the time.
The thing that made me feel the worse? my boyfriend. he has truly made me realise that i cant stop this from happening to me, but that i dont really want to either. You know its bad when your laying in bed with your boyfriend and when you move he moans that one of your hip bones dug into his leg.
Its getting hard now, and painful, and i dont know how to stop it, but like i said, i dont think i want to anyway.
thats all for now

Lily xxxxx

"Stay Strong Starve On"